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by Twisted Poison
Warnings: Legolas/others… dubious consent
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JRR Tolkien. No money is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: Something I bet you’d never thought you’d see: a 70 verse limerick about the love between elf and dwarf.
Note1: This was written, start to finish, in an airplane. I wrote the first word when the plane took off from Atlanta, Georgia, and the last word as we started our final approach into Flint, Michigan. Does this qualify for some weird variation on the Mile High Club?
Note 2: This story is a penta-drabble, exactly 500 words long, at least according to MS Word.
Note 3: I've taken a few liberties with book canon, but not many. hope.
“His Heart’s Direction”
“If You Give An Elf Some Chocolate…”
There once was an elf-prince of Mirkwood
Who tried to live life pure and good,
Till one fateful day
When Pip passed his way
And offered an interesting food.
“Chocolate,” the hobbit said sweetly
Before wandering off most discreetly.
The elf took a nibble,
Then started to giggle
And fled to the bedrooms quite fleetly.
He let out a wail that was keening,
For he had an unusual feeling:
It started off low,
Then started to grow.
With his body’s betrayal he’s dealing.
To Aragorn’s chambers he crept,
Moved, to hear how the warrior wept.
Inside he slipped.
At the man’s mouth he nipped
And much more before the Heir slept.
Yes, they tumbled about in the sheet
And wound together from head to feet.
The pounding was loud
And drew quite a crowd,
Whom afterwards Legolas did meet.
He fled from the curious eyes,
Whimpering his falsehoods and lies
About the great pounding
Of such a great sounding
And limped off with his own mournful sighs.
Still, the chocolate’s effects did last
And he found himself growing fast.
Yearning for release,
The pain did not cease,
So around him his eyes he cast.
He searched for a lonely soul
To fulfill his aching pole
When Elrond came by
And beckoned quite sly
To go to the hay for a roll.
The Half-elven was quite a master
And Legolas found himself coming faster
Than e’er he had
With lass or lad
And then left quite alone, murmured, “Bastard.”
Half-clothed in the hay he lay weeping,
Praying for a heart that’s worth keeping,
When who should come by
But that weird Gondor guy,
A-tip-toeing and a-tom-peeping.
Boromir happily lay with the elf
And soon found a passion himself.
For some time they sucked
Before Legolas was fucked,
Alone again, hissed, “I am NOTHING, myself.”
The poor elf crawled out of the hay
And awaited the arrival of day,
But arousal was persistent,
The aphrodisiac, consistent;
He found himself in need of another good lay.
Gandalf was more than obliging,
Though himself, Legolas was ostracizing.
Despite the good feeling
And most artful dealing,
The old wizard, too, he soon was despising.
Legolas watched the sunrise that morning.
It’s rays left gold in the leaves adorning,
But still his heart quaked
And his whole body ached.
This chocolate consummation he was mourning.
For days the stuff stayed in his blood
And clung to his insides like mud.
The arousal he suffered
Quickly was buffered
By lovers who advanced in a flood.
Any and all races came to him
On every imaginable whim.
Legolas gave in
Just to drown out the din
And his heart quickly grew grim.
His body was ravaged again and again
By ladies as well as by men
And what could he do
But give in to the slew
And his spirit broke for all that he ken.
The pleasure became a routine
Bordering on the obscene.
His soul became dead
With bed after bed,
Until even his mind felt unclean.
Not soon enough the drug wore off.
His sex-reeking clothes he tore off.
Feeling quite grim,
He went for a swim,
But felt he could not wash the gore off.
His reputation took a turn for the worst:
First whore, then tease; he felt cursed.
But, he stopped up his ears;
The prince shed no tears,
And his wounds he privately nursed.
When Pippin found out the news,
He apologized for the abuse.
He was now driven
To lift the elf out of his blues.
He had to make that awful wrong right
And so spent all day and all night
And happily drinking
Which brought on a terrible fight.
Merry discovered the source of the evil
And called his dear cousin a devil,
“This fragile heart
You’ve torn apart!
You, when you plot and you revel…”
The disgust in Merry’s eye
Made poor Peregrin cry,
But then Merry was gentle
And most sentimental
And the hobbits resolved not to pry.
There was nothing that they could do
To make the elf’s heart like new.
The broken pieces,
Fragile as fleeces,
Could not hold together with glue.
They left the elf quite alone
And Legolas uttered not even a moan
At this sudden distance;
He showed no resistance
And his voice remained even in tone.
The nine set out from Rivendell
And followed the wizard, pell-mell
Through the trees
And wicked deeds:
Legolas felt himself living a hell.
The fellowship treated him as a friend,
Though he wished the journey to end
When three in the game
His heart had maimed.
Still, he pretended they did not offend.
But the quest soon threatened their lives
He trusted axe, swords, bow, and knives
To keep them all safe.
He no longer chafed
To think them all friends, and survive.
Verily, survive they all must,
Which demanded considerable trust.
He soon called the others
His friends and his brothers,
For he no longer felt any disgust.
At least not for the men in the group,
Though he called himself “fool” and “dope,”
To believe that love
Could come from above;
On that idea, he held no more hope.
Yes, he’d given up on that silly ideal.
For him, love could never be real.
Despite the deep ache…
Despite the heartbreak…
He knew love was something he’d never feel.
So, he fought bravely and he did live,
Though for his friends, his life he would give
Should such a demand
On his shoulders land,
But the elf never received such a missive.
But with the emotional distance he kept
He found that soon he fervently wept.
On they went
But he did not repent
Of the vow he himself did accept:
“Never know love, nor ever devotion.
Never know happiness or such an emotion.
Never know joy
With girl or with boy
For love is a poisonous potion.”
In Lothlorien he hoped to find peace
And though the sorrow did ne’er cease,
He found his heart lifted;
His spirit was shifted,
For friendship his soul did increase.
A dwarf! He laughed at the odd concept:
Such companionship should be inept,
But trust and respect
Urged the elf to reflect,
And this friend Legolas soon did accept.
Though often offensive and brash,
Though he could make the elf’s teeth gnash,
Legolas liked Gimli.
(Though recalled dimly)
How their cultures, ages, values could clash.
Despite the constant insulting,
They easily switched to consulting
When danger was high,
When death was nigh,
When around them was great tumulting.
The battle lasted long at Helm’s Deep,
But neither would give in to sleep
And at the end,
Each other’s company they’d keep.
Together they ate, together they slept;
Together they laughed, together they wept.
They fought side by side
To turn the orc’s tide
And after the war, together they kept.
Yes, together till the end they stood fast,
Hoping for peace at long last,
But until the time came
They’d fight just the same
Until evil threats had passed.
But the elf felt that something was lacked
And then was quite taken aback:
For he looked at the dwarf;
H emotions had morphed
And fear turned his soul black.
He found with the sight of his friend
That his heart did swiftly bend.
He blushed when they talked;
He paused when they walked,
And he wished his poor heart he could mend
But Gimli understood his fair comrade
And this reassurance made his heart glad
For his heart felt the same
His heart loved without shame
Yea, his own love he’d hidden; he had.
Yet neither said aught of their feelings,
Content to continue their day-to-day dealings
With friendly banters
And idle canters
And awkward sideward-glance stealings.
The then, the Dark Lord was defeated,
And battle wounds were treated.
Of victories won
Songs were sung
And signs of the troubles deleted.
Then came times of plenty and peace
And up sprung hope that would never cease.
Danger fell away
In the light of day,
But Legolas only found love to increase.
It plagued him to think this odd connection
Could be more than just friendly affection.
Was his joy and trust
Turned to love and lust?
Yes. The Elf could not alter his heart’s direction.
Then the pair took time for long-deserved rest.
It was deep night in the heart of the forest
When Legolas decided
His heart could be confided.
He resolved himself it would be for the best.
He wanted the dwarf to know
How very deep his feelings did flow
Even if confession
He could not stop how his heart’s love did grow.
In the deep dark of Fangorn Legolas knelt;
He met Gimli’s eyes with great guilt.
The dwarf quietly waited
With deep breath bated.
Legolas knew it was time to tell how he felt:
“Gimli, you know you’re my dearest friend
And I’ll be by your side till the end,
But I’ve something to say
At the end of this day,
And I fear our friendship it will rend.”
Came an answer: “Speak, and fear not,
For you know our bond means a lot.
I’d choose no other
For my friend or my brother.
Dear Legolas, what is this dark plot?”
The elf bowed his head shamefully and meekly
And his voice spoke uncharacteristically weakly.
His hands gently trembled
As his mind reassembled,
And luminous tears fell down his cheeks sleekly.
“The time has come for truth, I fear,
And into my heart’s darkest corners I’ve peered.
I must confess
That in my breast
Beats a heart of love for only you, my dear.”
Legolas could not raise his head
For all the heated shame and dread.
He feared Gimli’s reaction
To such an infraction
And would just as soon wish to be dead.
An answer was long to come forth
From his companion, stout and swarth.
The dwarf gripped his white hand
In his own, rough and tanned,
And returned the declaration henceforth:
“Long have I guessed your heart’s direction
And have long wished for this affection.
Yes, my heart reveals the same:
A love unfettered and untamed
Though long have I feared a rejection.
And still I wonder at your intent
For on your own misery you seem bent,
But all I desire
Is your heart’s true fire;
For our love I’d want no lament!”
At these words the elf looked up quick
And he felt in his heart a prick
And then hope so great
That he’d found his soul’s mate;
He soon felt his blood running thick.
“Is this true, Gimli my dear?!
Can it be love has always been near?
In my depression
I’d no self-possession
And never dreamt to find love here!”
As he spoke the elf laid his hand
On the dwarf’s solid chest and
He smiled invitation
And the lovers felt their hearts expand.
Then, they leaned in for a first kiss
And in it was no artifice.
They met with abandon
And soon moved in tandem,
Knowing naught but love and light and bliss.
Together they fell to the moss-covered ground
And round each other’s limbs they wound.
Led to loud cries.
To the other, hearts and bodies were bound.
Hungrily their mouths met again.
There was much touching and laughing and then
They shed their clothes
And forgot their woes
In a meeting of flesh in the green glen.
Reverently they explored new terrain;
With lips, kisses they rained.
Fingers touched sweetly
Mouths met fleetly
And laughter sung out in the Ent’s domain.
With such activities they took their leisure,
Though grew bolder measure by measure
Until proper preparation
Made way for penetration
After which they soon called out their pleasure.
Long they lay entwined together
And vowed to stay that way forever.
Till the end.
They shared a love never to be severed.
Legolas smiled and said “We share a connection
Based on friendship, love, devotion, and protection.
We’ve found a peace
That ne’er will cease
Because I finally found my heart’s direction.”
Author’s Notes: Gods forbid I write something sensible. This was meant to be a limerick, but it turned into an epic romance. So, take it as you like it.
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Issue No.: 2.6
Site Last Updated: 11 May 2003