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Axe and Bow

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No News

by Qualli

Category: Humour
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JRR Tolkien. No money is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.
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Summary: Pending
A/N: My friend asked for a lighter story so I did my best. Directly inspired by a story told me a few months ago, and my penchant for prattling when I'm trying to talk my way out of a situation. This will be the last I post here, unless I have the list mom's permission. Though I have several n the burners or in various stages of polishing, they're wandering dangerously out of L/G territory. I will keep a personaly sight though, regardless of my posting here. And for those who would like to hear them, I'm working on the .wav files as I type.

I have another tale if you have the time to hear it. A happier one than the last. It was told to me by my dwarven companion and was a story from the time Legolas spent in the forests of his Mirkwood home.

I hold no great confidence in the accuracy of this tale, for even Legolas heard it third person, from his father. Though I suspect it was many many years before King Thranduil could see the humor in it.

It was in the years before the fellowship's Quest, in the times of Bilbo Baggins and his adventures. Thranduil had just retuned from a long, wearisome voyage outside the borders of his kingdom. His faithful servant met him at the city gates, and if the storytellers are to be believed, this in the conversation that transpired.

"King Thranduil! My Lord! It is wonderful to see you return to Mirkwood again! How have you fared?"

"Well enough, though I am glad to be home. What news since I left?"

"Oh, no news, nothing of interest."

"I have been away many weeks. And nothing of any importance has happened?"

"No, my Lord. Well…"

"Yes?"

"It's a trivial matter, really. A servant slipped in the halls last night. He's well recovered now. Caught his foot on that wet patch, I would think."

"Wet patch?"

"That was your son's fault, Legolas`. Well not truthfully. He was too far gone for doing anything by that point. We thought it better to escort the Prince to his room before relieving him of his dripping clothes. There was enough talk about us carrying him through the door as it was. It wouldn't have done at all to be carrying him through the door naked too. You know the kitchen maids' love of gossip.

"Carrying…him?"

"Yes my lord. You know how the rivers affect our kind. Dead to the world since before yesterday's breakfast, though he should be awake in time for the party. We'll just have to wait and see what he remembers. Oh don't trouble yourself my lord, I'm sure he'll remember you."

"Why was he in the river?"

"He fell in of course. We fished him out as quick as we could. Well, some say he jumped in to escape your wrath. You can't very well punish the innocent can you? Pay that no mind, I'm sure he fell in. I'm certain he did, chasing those spiders of his."

"of his?"

"They were the most beautiful little babies, and smart too. He was training them, you know. He was so proud, and couldn't wait to show you how they could curtsey, and shake hands. He even taught that little one to dance! A pity they ran off. Next time though he'll know not to let them get into the wine."

"Into my wine?"

"Yes my lord. You should have seen them. They nearly drank a barrel themselves. And drank half the guards under the table. But it made them nervous, being drunk. Hissing and spitting like great cats. It's probably best they ran off. Even if they did take your crown."

"My crown?"

"They found it in your bedroom. We put them in there while making preparations for the party. They were quite fond of jewelry, and behaved very well for the first few hours. That's why they were in the wine, it was the only thing we could think of to lure them out with. They seemed to like your quarters, my lord. Very good taste for such young things. We didn't even notice one hiding that crown tucked under his belly. But don't worry. We sent it with the fastest Elf, and it will be repaired soon. One of the Elf maidens crafted you a crown of flowers for tonight's festivities. Very handsome."

"Repaired?"

"It was slightly bent, in the shape of a spider leg . It looked quite comical actually. We wouldn't have found it all if not for the Dwarves stomping around like little Orcs through the forest."

"Dwarves?"

"13 more or less. Though one certainly looked queer for a Dwarf. What we saw of him anyway. Those spiders, even babies though they were, rushed off for a nice dinner of fat, juicy Dwarves. They were so excited. That little thief must have dropped the crown and not even noticed. Their mother must have caught the trespassers, for there were empty traps and ragged webs near where we found your crown."

"There were Dwarves in Mirkwood?"

"Still are I would wager. They put up a grand fight. There's even half of a beard tangled in those webs. That's a sight, I had never heard of a blonde Dwarf before. They're still walking in circles as far as I know, trying to find their heads and feet.

"And no one thought to capture them?"

"Of course we thought to, but the one's who could be spared were put to the kitchens to salvage the feast."

"Salvage?"

"Yes, my lord. It was just nearly done when the guards came in. They were the ones the spiders drunk under the table you understand. And nothing soothes the wounded pride like a full stomach. I'm sure we'll still have a nice feast. We found barrels and barrels of apples. Those cooks are very handy with apples."

"Is that all?"

"Oh no! I'm sure there's a cheese wheel or two tucked away. Maybe even some sausage or berries."

"Is that all of the…news?"

"Well…"

"I do not want nor need to know. I will be in my, I presume, spider- less room-"

"No spiders there I assure you."

"That is very comforting. Will you bring my outfit to the room while I wash off the dust and grime of travel?."

"Of course my lord! It will have to be the blue one though, I'm afraid. One of the spiders forgot he was housebroken on the silver one. My lord? My lord? I thought you were going to your room? Wouldn't you like some wine? Wait, we haven't any wine. I'll send for apple juice? That's nearly as good. My lord, wait! Where are you going? My lord?!



-End-

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