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Axe and Bow

A Legolas and Gimli fan archive

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Of Movies and Mushrooms

by Anne M

Category: Parody
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Parody. Very, very silly. Cross-Species. Quite a bit of character assassination. Oh, and did I mention it is extremely silly?
Disclaimer: Based on characters and events created by J.R.R. Tolkien. Used without permission. No money made, no harm intended.
Feedback: Would be nice. Or at least useful.
Summary: Gimli is unhappy with a certain movie. His friends try to cheer him up.
A/N: Thanks to Morrighan, who beta-read this and came with some very useful suggestions, and to Arachne, whose "Scenes From the Undying Lands"-series provided a lot of inspiration for this. (It is set in a slightly different AU, though.) And thanks to both of you for the encouragement.






Words were spreading in The Undying Lands that Gimli the dwarf had not been happy with the movie "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring". In fact, words were spreading that Gimli was extremely UN-happy with the movie, to the point where he hid himself in a dark room, doing nothing but thinking about exactly how much he disliked it.

Feeling not a little bit guilty about the movie's existence, but most of all worried about Gimli, Frodo Baggins decided to go over to the house that Gimli shared with Legolas the elf, to see if he could do anything to lift the dwarf's spirits. He was accompanied by his faithful friend Samwise Gamgee, and also by the Elf-lord Glorfindel, never one to miss an opportunity to trash the movie.

Legolas let them inside the house.

- Welcome friends! he cried out happily. How nice of you to come and visit. Shall I take that? he asked Frodo, indicating a basket that the hobbit was carrying.

- No - uhm, it's a gift. For Gimli.

- A gift for my friend Gimli! That will make him happy indeed. He is in the bedroom. Go there, and give it to him, and bring him back here so we all can drink wine and be merry together!

Frodo wondered if Legolas' somewhat manic tone was genuine, or if he too was upset about the movie but trying very hard to hide it. He decided not to stay and find out, but went to the bedroom. Sam stayed behind, not really comfortable with the prospect of being alone with two elves, but feeling that it was for the best if Frodo spoke to Gimli first.

* * *

Thick curtains were drawn across the windows to block out the sun in the bedroom. On the bed, Gimli lay on his stomach. He had covered his head with a pillow and in his hands he clutched his most treasured possession the crystal ornament in which three strands of the Lady Galadriel's golden hair were set.

- Gimli? Frodo said anxiously. It's me, Frodo.

- Go away, the dwarf muttered.

- But I brought you something.

Frodo sat down on the right side of the bed and lifted his basket, which was filled with fresh, tasty-smelling mushrooms. Gimli removed the pillow from his head and rolled over on his side, facing Frodo. He wanted to yell that his life was over and he had no interest in food, but he knew that for the hobbit, giving away mushrooms was a sign of love and friendship, and he would be heartbroken if Gimli turned down the gift.

- Thank you, he said. That was very thoughtful of you. Put the basket down on the floor, OK?

Frodo did as he was told, but he didn't take the hint to leave. Instead he slowly put his hand on the dwarf's shoulder.

- Is there anything I can do for you?

- Not any more. You could have done a great deal for me by not selling those blasted movie rights, but alas, it is to late now.

- I'm so sorry. But you see, people were always bugging me and Bilbo about the rights, and in the end we sold them to the highest bidder just to get some peace and quiet. We never imagined that anyone would ever get around to actually make a movie. And in the end, it wasn't THAT bad, was it?

There was a long silence.

- I was so u-uh-gly, Gimli sobbed at length.

He looked up at Frodo. - I'm not that ugly in real life, am I?

- Of course not! You are a very handsome dwarf, if I might say so.

- And NO dwarf looks that bad. I bet they had elven consultants, he muttered, more to himself than to Frodo, who nevertheless heard him.

- I'm not so sure about that, Gimli.

- You're not? Well, look at it this way: In the beginning of the movie, there are a lot of elves marching around.

- Elves and men, Gimli. You remember, the last alliance -

- Of elves and men, yes I know. And dwarves too, but THAT'S something you never - anyway, the men come across as idiots. Then, after Bilbo's party - and why did they skip the bit about all the excellent dwarven toys that were given away at that party? it seems to pass only a week or two before you leave the Shire.

- Well, maybe they thought -

- Seventeen years, Frodo! They skipped seventeen years. Who, except the immortal elves, would have so little feeling for the passing of time? And later, when we all meet in Rivendell, instead of telling the tale about how the dwarves of Erebor refused to give in to Sauron's threats, I act like a creature with no wits and little manners. No dwarf would behave like that in decent company. And at Caradhras, instead of bravely fighting off wargs and try to kindle a fire, I suggest that we go and visit Balin. Visit Balin! As if I didn't know then that Balin had not been heard from for many years. And inside Khazad-Dhm there is that silly, stupid, INSULTING bit about dwarf- tossing.

- But I thought you came across very well in that scene! Frodo added hastily. It showed how brave you are, and how strong and able dwarves are. A hobbit would never be able to jump that far.

- Maybe, muttered Gimli, but that thing with the beard is simply ridiculous. Had Legolas grabbed me like that back then, he wouldn't have any arms left. Stupid, stupid elves. They never get anything right, no matter how many times -

- And they call you elf-friend, Frodo said with a smile.

- Can't see why, really. Two elves I've cared for in my life, two out of I don't know how many thousands. And those two I loved despite their elvish ways, not because of them. My Legolas, he muttered under his breath. And the beautiful Galadriel, lady of the Golden Wood. Speaking of whom -

Gimli raised his head and let out a loud wail.

* * *

There was a long silence after Frodo had left, and Legolas had served the others some wine. Finally Legolas broke it.

- It is kind of you to come and visit my friend Gimli. For many days now he has neither eaten nor spoken a word.

- Ah. I suspected this might happen, Glorfindel said with grim satisfaction. Did I not warn you all of you about that movie? As a matter of fact, mere days before the premiere I sent a petition urging everybody to boycott it. You did get it, didn't you?

- Dark were your words, Legolas responded, and little did they mean to those that received them.

- What was there not to understand? It just stated that the movie is a revisionist piece of crap from beginning to end and should never have gotten a greenlight to begin with.

- You never saw it.

- I didn't NEED to see it. Wait - don't say you are defending -

- Many times have the leaves fallen in the forest since the Nine Walkers set out from Rivendell. 'Tis not so strange that while men still sing the songs about our deeds, some of the verses are lost.

- Easy for you to say. You're not the one that was replaced by a girl.

- I almost thought he was, there for a while, Sam quietly told his feet.

- But that is just what I'm talking about! Many times when I rode to war with my King Elessar, Queen Arwen Evenstar had to come after him because he had forgotten to bring his sword, or his armour, or clean underwear.

- AFTER they were married, yes. Not BEFORE. BIG difference. And oh, I've heard you were a blonde in the movie.

There was a silence. Sam shifted his weight from his left foot to his right.

- Most elves are dark-haired, said the golden-haired Elf-lord with an accusing glance at Legolas, who shrugged his shoulders.

- The colour of my hair is seldom mentioned in the old songs, he said while drawing a slender hand through his dark locks. Besides, my lord back in Mirkwood who sired me had golden hair. Maybe we got mixed up.

- I have to say, Sam chimed in, that I was a bit surprised by my own hair colour as well. Couldn't really recognize myself, if you get my drift. Though I guess it might be because my little Elanor will show up at the end, and they don't want anyone to get suspicions about the milkman, as my old Gaffer used to say. Her being blonde and all, he added.

Both elves stared at him as if he just had appeared out of thin air. Sam shifted feet again.

- Anyway, Glorfindel continued, turning his gaze back to Legolas, since you are so fond of the movie, I guess you want to defend the so-called Balrog too?

- Ah! The verse about the Balrog, I must admit, did little to recapture the horror I felt when we faced him in Moria. And as for the cave troll -

Legolas let out a chuckle. He regained his composure immediately, however, and added thoughtfully:

- Still, I do not know what happens back in Middle-earth these days. Maybe the men who dwell there now have need for songs that puts laughter, not fear, in their hearts.

Glorfindel began to answer but was interrupted by the sound of Gimli's wailing. Legolas ran to the bedroom, followed by his guests.

* * *

- Gimli, my dearest friend! Please tell me what ails you!

- Nothing, muttered Gimli and reached for the pillow. Could you just - take these mushrooms that Frodo brought me and fry them? Thanks.

- Oh, your appetite is back! That is indeed glad tidings!

Legolas reached for the basket, while mouthing "great idea" to Frodo. He left the room with Glorfindel in tow. Sam stayed behind and seated himself on the bed, at the opposite side of Frodo.

- Galadriel, Gimli whispered, more to himself than to the hobbits. They cut out my meeting with the Lady of the Forest.

- It will be in the extended DVD version, Sam said soothingly.

- Huh?

- This autumn, after the leaves in the forest have fallen, men will gather again to sing the songs about our adventures, Frodo began, but Gimli interrupted him.

- Shut up, I KNOW what a DVD is! Do I look like Legolas? I just didn't know they were putting out a special edition, he added in a calmer tone. Do you know what else is included?

Frodo and Sam told him about the added scenes and extra features. Then they continued by telling him about the new toys, and games, and other random stuff. Gimli listened carefully, and then said that it would have been better if dwarves had been given all the merchandise licences.

- Gimli, I can understand that you are angry, but you really weren't the only one that came off badly in the movie, Sam said hesitantly. They didn't show master Frodo being half as brave as he was in real life. And as for myself I thought I came across as a bit slow at times. Though maybe I am.

- No, you are not, Frodo said tenderly and leaned over Gimli's body to stroke Sam's round brown cheek.

- My reputation is ruined, Gimli moaned. I might as well lie down and die right now, just to get it over with.

Frodo and Sam exchanged glances. There was obviously nothing they could say to lift Gimli's sprits, but having dragged each other through Mordor they knew that there were other ways of comfort. They crept up on the bed on either side of the dwarf and wrapped their arms around him.

- Do you remember when you showed us Kheled-zram? Frodo whispered, rubbing his head against Gimli's beard.

- They didn't bother to include that bit either.

- Yes, but that is good. This way, it will continue to belong just to the three of us. Our special place -

Sam gently kissed the dwarf's neck.

* * *

Back in the kitchen Legolas was preparing the mushrooms while Glorfindel kept on talking.

- I would not take this movie so lightly if I were you. Rumours about you have started to spread after it was released. Young maidens have taken a liking to you, and they are telling strange tales about how you exchange vows of love with them.

- They are? Legolas look incredulous. But surely that will change when they get to hear the tale about how Aragorn took his rightful place as king of Gondor. For all those who come to know him come to love him.

- Ah, yes, Aragorn. Did you know that there are also rumours about the two of you that it is said that the love you felt for him was not the love a warrior feels for his brother in arms or the love a vassall feels for his lord, but rather what a lover feels for his beloved.

For the first time, Legolas fair face looked troubled. - They say that I would betray my Gimli for Aragorn? How did they get that idea? I did send my answers to their questions in riddles, it is true, but they weren't THAT complicated to guess.

- Maybe many years have passed since you and Gimli sailed from the shores of Middle-earth, and the men there cannot believe that such a love could exist between elf and dwarf, Glorfindel said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. Wait! Did you say that you -answered some of those blasted filmmakers' questions? YOU were the secret elf source?

Glorfindel winced almost dropped his cup. Then he straightened up and moved towards the other elf with a menacing glance in his eyes.

- Many questions have I gotten, and many have I answered but -

Glorfindel didn't bother to stay and listen. Legolas was a stupid, uneducated country bumpkin from the backwoods of Mirkwood, and it was obvious that he would continue to be that, no matter how many millennia he spent in more refined company. The Elf-lord left without a word of goodbye.

Legolas shut the door behind him and turned his attention to the mushrooms, which were getting brown and soft in a frying pan. He wondered what he would serve with them. Omelettes maybe?

- Gimli! he shouted. Would you like an omelette for lunch?

There was no answer, but some strange muted sounds came from the bedroom.

- Gimli? Sam? Frodo? What ARE you doing in there?

FINIS

note: The inspiration for a hobbit/dwarf/hobbit threesome (or whatever happens at the end, I'm not really sure myself) came from a line i Pythoness "A Diamod Between Wood and Stone". Nothing of the sort happens there, I hasten to add.
/Anne


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